Despite having been a radioman in the Navy in her day, my mom is somehow forcibly ignorant of a computer. This morning she asks
"What is that thing in my room I'm watching movies on? An Xbox?"
"No, mom, it's a Wii. This thing in my living room is the Xbox." I say as I point at the Xbox
"So what's an Xbox then?"
"That on top of my TV is the Xbox."
"What does it do?"
"Same as the Wii. It's just a game system and you can watch movies or Netflix on it."
"So can I burn the movies off of the Wii onto a disk and watch them anytime?"
"No, mom, that's Netflix. You can watch that anywhere that gets Netflix"
"So am I running up your cable bill by watching it all the time? I love it except there's no commercials and if I have to get up to pee I miss a whole bunch!"
"Mom! Pause it for the love of god! And no, you're not running up my cable bill. It's a subscription service that I pay around $15 a month for. Watch all you want"
"Oh, neat! Does that come with cable? Because I don't have cable anymore I only have dish or whatever."
"No mom, you just need an Internet connection."
"Does that come with Google?"
"No?"
"Can I get it on the computer?"
"Yes"
I'm fairly certain she still doesn't know what I'm talking about and we'll continue to have this conversation about how baffling netflix is.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Momisms
I've been sitting on this blog for some time debating whether or not to publish it, but with the advent of my mom staying with me, what the hell! I'll do it. Just don't mention any of this to her should you meet her. I do not want to get my ass chewed out for making fun of her, which I'm not doing. I love my mom and hope to be half as strong as she is one day. She is one tough broad. Take it for what it is; hilarity.
Conversation 1
The setup: My mom was telling me about her boyfriend's latest construction project. He had just helped complete this big beautiful house and took my mom on a tour of it with his boss because he forgets mom and people don't mix. This is what she had to say about it:
"It's this big gorgeous house in the country, but his boss is an idiot. That is a house for homos. The floor is shiny, there are windows everywhere and stainless steel appliances. No woman is going to want to clean all the fingerprints and shit off that! That's a house for homos! And the shower is huge! You could fit five big burly homos in there!" Keep in mind that she's recounting what she was saying as she was walking through the house, not her private thoughts.
Conversation 2
The setup: My mom is going to come visit and she was asking me about what kind of toys she could bring for the girls.
"Is it okay if I bring the girls a barbie horse?"
"Barbie horse?"
"Yeah, you just push it's butthole and it runs really fast!"
"What in the what what?"
Conversation 3
The setup: My mom is a collector. She's also a major hoarder. She was a hoarder before any of those shows came out and made it cool. I grew up like that, only instead of garbage, I was stepping over piles and piles of antiques and other collectibles. The house itself was actually clean, just extremely cluttered. Well, she lives near the American Picker people. Here's the thing, my mom hates them. She has always hated antique dealers and loathes what they do. They really really want to get a look around at her stuff. Hell, everyone does. My mom's stuff is cool as hell! Right now she lives on a run down farm out in the country that looks a little like a house you would see in a horror movie while yelling "Don't go in there, you idiots!". It's sort of House of 1000 corpses looking. She also happens to have a couple of big rottweilers. I think you can see where this is headed.
"Those son of a bitches came out here to the farm with their cameras and when Bandit (the dog) came out there to check them out, they jumped back into their truck just like a bunch of mexicans! Bandit is a big dog, but he just wanted to check them out, he wasn't gonna hurt them, but boy does he scare those mexicans!"
Holy crap, please for the love of all that's holy, don't put my mom on tv. Later she told me she agreed to let one of their guys in there and no cameras. I'm pretty sure he won't be leaving.
I love my mom.
Conversation 4
My mom is in the room with me while I'm talking to my best friend. My friend wails that she thinks she's a leper. My mom says "Come to Georgia! They love their lepers here!"
"Have you seen any lepers around, mom?"
"Yeah, Georgia is real proud of their retards! They parade them around, even!"
"Holy shit, mom. Did you just equate being a leper with being retarded?!?"
Conversation 5
My mom was telling me how she found those timers that you put on your electronics to make them turn on at odd times so people will think you're home and won't rob you. Well, she hooked hers up to a radio and a light and a tv. But her neighbors know she's not home, so she's been telling them the house is haunted! It's ghosts in there! And then she told them all about the ghost until they told her about someone who died there and now she just keeps embelishing the story so now the neighborhood believes her house is haunted and won't go near it. Trolling like a boss.
Speaking of trolling, her boyfriend has bushy eyebrows. When he's sleeping she messes with them. One time she put googly eyes on each one so they would look like fighting squirrels, she said. The other time she was so bothered by how bushy his eyebrows were that she tried to trim them in his sleep. She ended up trimming a bald spot into the middle of each brow, if you can imagine for a moment what a bald spot in the middle of bushy eyebrows would look like. The poor guy is involved with a master troll.
For those who don't know me in real life, my mom is what other's politely refer to as a "character" and what the courts call "incompetent" and what local city halls call a "nusance" Just polite ways of saying my mom ain't right. She has given me lots of laughs and with that I will share with you some conversations that actually happened between my mom and myself.
Conversation 1
The setup: My mom was telling me about her boyfriend's latest construction project. He had just helped complete this big beautiful house and took my mom on a tour of it with his boss because he forgets mom and people don't mix. This is what she had to say about it:
"It's this big gorgeous house in the country, but his boss is an idiot. That is a house for homos. The floor is shiny, there are windows everywhere and stainless steel appliances. No woman is going to want to clean all the fingerprints and shit off that! That's a house for homos! And the shower is huge! You could fit five big burly homos in there!" Keep in mind that she's recounting what she was saying as she was walking through the house, not her private thoughts.
Conversation 2
The setup: My mom is going to come visit and she was asking me about what kind of toys she could bring for the girls.
"Is it okay if I bring the girls a barbie horse?"
"Barbie horse?"
"Yeah, you just push it's butthole and it runs really fast!"
"What in the what what?"
Conversation 3
The setup: My mom is a collector. She's also a major hoarder. She was a hoarder before any of those shows came out and made it cool. I grew up like that, only instead of garbage, I was stepping over piles and piles of antiques and other collectibles. The house itself was actually clean, just extremely cluttered. Well, she lives near the American Picker people. Here's the thing, my mom hates them. She has always hated antique dealers and loathes what they do. They really really want to get a look around at her stuff. Hell, everyone does. My mom's stuff is cool as hell! Right now she lives on a run down farm out in the country that looks a little like a house you would see in a horror movie while yelling "Don't go in there, you idiots!". It's sort of House of 1000 corpses looking. She also happens to have a couple of big rottweilers. I think you can see where this is headed.
"Those son of a bitches came out here to the farm with their cameras and when Bandit (the dog) came out there to check them out, they jumped back into their truck just like a bunch of mexicans! Bandit is a big dog, but he just wanted to check them out, he wasn't gonna hurt them, but boy does he scare those mexicans!"
Holy crap, please for the love of all that's holy, don't put my mom on tv. Later she told me she agreed to let one of their guys in there and no cameras. I'm pretty sure he won't be leaving.
I love my mom.
Conversation 4
My mom is in the room with me while I'm talking to my best friend. My friend wails that she thinks she's a leper. My mom says "Come to Georgia! They love their lepers here!"
"Have you seen any lepers around, mom?"
"Yeah, Georgia is real proud of their retards! They parade them around, even!"
"Holy shit, mom. Did you just equate being a leper with being retarded?!?"
Conversation 5
My mom was telling me how she found those timers that you put on your electronics to make them turn on at odd times so people will think you're home and won't rob you. Well, she hooked hers up to a radio and a light and a tv. But her neighbors know she's not home, so she's been telling them the house is haunted! It's ghosts in there! And then she told them all about the ghost until they told her about someone who died there and now she just keeps embelishing the story so now the neighborhood believes her house is haunted and won't go near it. Trolling like a boss.
Speaking of trolling, her boyfriend has bushy eyebrows. When he's sleeping she messes with them. One time she put googly eyes on each one so they would look like fighting squirrels, she said. The other time she was so bothered by how bushy his eyebrows were that she tried to trim them in his sleep. She ended up trimming a bald spot into the middle of each brow, if you can imagine for a moment what a bald spot in the middle of bushy eyebrows would look like. The poor guy is involved with a master troll.
pictured above is not the victim, but a member of House Atreides with similar eyebrows
Friday, June 21, 2013
I'm Back!
Today's blog has been brought to you by the letter F!
For those who don't know me in real life, I have a mom who is, let's say, eccentric. I love her and she's otherwise great! But she has this bad habit of having a failing memory, a severe potty mouth (I had to get it from somewhere!), and a large and in charge temper that does not fear going to jail. She is staying with me for a little while and helping me out through a deployment. So now that you have a little back story, here's the ancedote;
I'm in the van and stopped at the gas station while mom runs in for beer. My little angels are plugged sweetly into James And The Giant Peach behind me and I'm enjoying the quiet and fiddling with the radio when I hear "It's their peach you fucking girls!" out of the Lillybeast. I think my mom is a bad influence on her, like she needs that!
She sees that I have heard her and immediately says "Oh, oops!" too late, I'm already getting out to get up close and personal with her. I give her a pop in the mouth and remind her that words like that out of her are unacceptable and she's going to have to learn that just because it's okay for adults doesn't mean it's okay for kids.
This is the second time in a week I've had to do this.
The first time I was on my way to pick up my mom. On this road trip I'm enjoying my xm radio and have it set to comedy. The f word comes out and instead of changing it I leave it thinking "you know what? they are too sheltered and they have to learn that just because they've heard it doesn't mean they can say it" Nicole says "oooh, they just said a bad word" Lilly says "yeah! He said fuck!" goddammit.
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