Merry Christmas!

I am so busted.
We did most of our Christmas early before the husband left, but I wanted the girls to have a Christmas, too, so I wrapped some presents that they got in Iowa when we were visiting and I wrapped a big cardboard color it in house I've had stashed in my closet. I kind of forgot that they already saw them, but even so, they only saw them once before they had to be packed up. On some I wrote "From Santa". Well, Nicole opens up her first "from Santa" present and says "I already got this from Grandma Anna" and the next one "Aunt Micky gave this to me already" and the one from my closet "Didn't you have this in your closet?" then she said one way she can find out if Santa is real is to go to my closet and if the house is still there, Santa is real. Poor kid, she really wants to believe in Santa.
Lilly absolutely loved her presents and so did the boy! Neither of them remembered anything from before, so yay for that. And they got their stockings and thank goodness Nicole never saw what was going into those before because I told her that most of the stockings stuff was from Santa and that Santa left candy canes on their pillows. They camped out in the living room last night. It was pretty cute. I think Nicole's plan was to bust "Santa", but she sleeps like a rock.

Nicoleisms: Santa

Nicole has been trying to decide if Santa is real or not. She really wants to believe. She likes magic and unicorns and princesses, but as she gets older she's having a harder time buying it. My husband tried really hard before he left to get her back to believing again. He told the girls that I called Santa and that Santa brought presents early and we wrapped them together and everything. Nicole's little eyes just lit up.
Then tonight she says:
"Mommy, when daddy gets back I have a question I want to ask him"
"Oh, and what's that? Maybe I can ask him in an email?"
" I want to say this 'Daddy? Do you promise Santa is real?'"
"Oh, I see. And why don't you just ask me?"
"Well, you weren't there when Santa dropped off the presents. Daddy was"
"Okay, that makes sense. Well, what do you think?"
"I think it's something I'll find out when I'm a grown up"
"And what do you think you'll find out"
"That Santa is fake." She says resignedly.
"Aww, Nicole. You're adorable and I love you. You are the sweetest thing"
I love my little princess.

Christmas?!?

Ah, shit. I just realized tomorrow is Christmas Eve. If I just, you know, forget about it do you think the kids would notice? It's not like they know how to read a calendar. The only way they'd really know is if the TV rats me out and if they watch netflix only, problem solved!
We did Christmas presents a little early before the husband left so they could do presents with daddy. He told them that I called Santa and Santa brought them early! So do I still owe them a Christmas. Slacker mom says NO! Screw this whole season and just claw your way to the end of it. Good mom says that's horrible, go do some crafts and make hot chocolate and be holly jolly whatever. It's the holly jolly I'm having problems with. I'm a terrible actress and I think it might make it worse if I pretend to be holly jolly than if I just be. Ah, crap. I have to be good mom, don't I? Dammit.

Lillyisms

Today's situation was as follows. Lilly took her leapster game out and I confiscated it and told her I wasn't giving it back. I hate when she takes the games out and loses them. Her response? She grabbed her leapster and stared at me defiantly and said "Fine! I'm not giving my leapster to you!" Really? You think that's what's going on here? Are you hoping to confuse me into giving it back? Kid, you are not in control here. You are cuckoo for crazy puffs. Also, it's kind of hard to stay mad at you when you're staring at me like that


Also today. I was in my closet and she follows me in and finds a bag of stashed presents I have. I make her drop it and tell her to get out of my closet. She then tried to get in anyway and I block her with my leg and then she cries that I hurt her and I tell her she needs to stay out, I said no. No, you can't touch it, no, you can't even see it. And what does she have to say? "But I want to see it" Oh, well then, since you want to...I still said no! Now go away.
Lilly is a 4 year old with a real problem of understanding that she isn't in control here.

Nicole's Funny Joke of the Day!

Bright and early this morning Nicole lets this joke loose.
"Why can't Spiderman hug his mom?"
"Why?"
"Because he doesn't have one! Hahaha!" 
Holy crap, I think that's the most depressing joke I've ever heard.
To be fair, Nicole doesn't know the story of Spiderman. To her he's just a figurine and a costume. Still, I can't wait for her to unleash that little gem on someone else.

Freaking Patrol

Rawr! I just have to get that out of my system first. This patrol is a short one, so I'm not to concerned about it, but that doesn't mean my children share my lack of concern. Oh no.
Lilly is what is called a "spirited" child. What that roughly translates into is I have to suppress the urge to murder her at least once a day. It's not that she's intentionally trying to test her boundaries, she simply lacks the concept of understanding boundaries. Punishments go like this: she does something bad (hits her brother, dumps all her toys out, ect.) I punish her only to her it's not a consequence as much as it is "i was doing something I wanted to do and you hurt my feelings on purpose". To her the two things are completely unrelated no matter how many times I maker her tell me what she's done to earn the punishment. It's intensely frustrating. Today, for example, I was feeling a little stressed so I made it a point to stay home. Lilly made it a point to test my sanity. I eventually had to spank her to get my point across and while it worked, she did finally do what I told her, she also followed me around the rest of the night telling me how I need to say sorry to her for hurting her feelings.
Oh, and Nicole. Good lord that kid scared the piss out of me twice tonight. Twice. I put the kids to bed and I was going about my night stuff and as I turned a corner, there was Nicole sneaking in like a freaking gremlin. It didn't fully register at first and I yelled "Shit!" and barely succeeded in stopping myself in time from punching her. I'm not the kind of person you sneak up on. After a second I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't get comfortable. I tucked her back into bed, kissed her goodnight, and went off to make my dinner. Twenty minutes later my dinner is almost done and as I turn around to open the oven, Freaking Gremlin! Aaah! "What the hell, Nicole?" "My back hurts" "Okay sweetie, you need to go back to bed and tuck yourself back in and make yourself comfortable and stop coming out and scaring the bejesus out of mommy by sneaking up on me like a little gremlin. You're going to sleep now. I love you, goodnight" And I gave her a kiss and sent her back. I haven't seen her since, but that doesn't mean I won't wake up at five am with a Nicole face inches from mine watching me sleep.

Nicoleisms

"Do you want me to tell you something that does not make sense?"
"Uh, sure sweetie"
"Mustard + mustard = chocolate syrup. See? That does not make sense."
"You are right, that does not make sense" In a side note I think she may have triggered an aneurysm while I pondered what the hell that meant.
                                                   
                                                            *  *  *  *  *

As we're watching Hansel and Gretel we get to the part where Gretel starts spreading breadcrumbs and I ask her "Do you know why that's a bad idea?"
"Yeah, because the animals will eat it."
"That's right, it would be better to use leaves or pine cones, huh?"
"Yeah, but not dead birds."
"What?"
"Dead birds. Other animals would eat that."
"Uh, yeah. I guess you're right on that one."

Disturbing Art

So I walk past Nicole and her friend coloring in the other room and I see this picture. What the hell?!? After I took a deep breath to calm myself I realize they traced it and then I found the source. An innocent little bookmark. Still, that is totally disturbing to look at. The girls have no idea why I took a picture of their art.

Things I never thought I'd need to yell...

"Lilly! Stop kissing your sister's butt!" "But Nicole told me to" "Nicole! Stop making Lilly kiss your butt!"
I don't know what's worse; that I have to yell it at all or that it isn't the first warning. Seriously. Why?

Lilly is only going to get worse, isn't she?

Lilly has some listening issues, much like any four year old, I guess. Last night I told her it was dinner time. Nothing. "Lilly, get in your seat and eat!" No response. "Lilly! If I have to count I'm going to spank you" "I'm coming!" Still no Lilly. "One...Two..." Lilly pops in like no big thing. I spank her and when I'm done I say "Lilly, you need to listen when I'm talking to you" and she just looks at me with her big blue eyes and says "Haha, I farted"
Goddammit....

Lilly Quotes

Lilly this morning: *cough cough* "Mommy? Can we not go anywhere today?" Me: "Sure, we're not going anywhere, anyway" Lilly: continues as if I didn't speak "Because I don't feel well" *cough cough* "I just want to stay home" *cough cough* "and not go anywhere" *more fake coughing (seriously, kid. You're laying it on a little thick)* "except maybe chuck e cheese..." 

That was Lilly's version of trying to get out of eating her breakfast.

Lilly and the F Bomb

I'm a baaad mom. I cuss like a sailor probably because my mom was one and and I married one and sometimes it's hard not to. Yesterday, for example, I interrupted my breakfast to change a poopy diaper. I tell Nicole "hey, watch my coffee!" as I dart out with the poopy diaper to dispose of it. Not two seconds later I hear my coffee being pounded on the coffee table. "Fuck!" I exclaim from the other room. 
A couple of hours later Nicole was watching TV and Lilly says "Nicole, will you play with me?" sweet as she could be. Nicole says "No" and Lilly throws her hands in the air and walks away saying "Fuck!" Ah, oops. 
I had to punish her for it, of course, but it's really hard to keep a straight face.

Nicolisms: About Swearing

So today's conversation went like this: I'm making baby food and I spill some on the counter. "Spadoinkle!" I say. (Cannibal: The Musical fans will recognize this word) Nicole says, "Mommy, I know that's a bad word, but what happened?" 
"No, honey, spadoinkle isn't a bad word. I use it in place of bad words. Bad words mostly have four letters"
"And start with C"

What?!? Please tell me she means crap.

Kidisms 2

As we near the end of this patrol it's obvious I'm over it and so are the children. Today's 'isms are as follows.
Conversation with Nicole, my six year old. "Nicole, you'll be happy to know that our snail is still alive." "Well of course he is mommy. He just doesn't like to move around a lot. Kind of like you..." I could smack you, kid.
Lilly, my four year old, was in trouble for pushing baby brother down. Again. After time out I tell her it's not okay to hit people when you're mad. I'm mad at you, is it okay if I hit you? "no, mommy" "Why's that" "Because I won't let you" "I'm bigger than you just like you're bigger than baby brother and just like him you can't stop me." "You're not big enough" said in a sing song tone and a manic smile. I think I'll lock my door tonight.  Note that after that there was more punishing and talking and she did eventually make it up to her brother. Blah, blah, blah. I'm so in for it when she's a teenager. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid.

More Kidisms

I was helping Nicole get ready for school this morning and she told me that on field day she wants to partner with Jordan. "The boy Jordan? Why him, honey?" "He can tie shoes quickly" I see. To be a pimp in first grade you just have to know how to tie some fast shoes.

Lilly was begging me to get on the computer so she could talk to grandma and grandpa. I tell her she can't right now, grandma and grandpa are at work and sleeping. "It's okay, mommy. Santa told me they're home." That kid has got some awesome imaginary friends.

I was making Lilly toast for breakfast per her request and she says "No wait, mommy. I think my mind is changing..."

Lillyisms

Lilly is insane. Those of you who know her know this. Adorable and sweet, but quite insane.
First, a disclaimer.  I have to watch my mouth. It's bad when husband is away. I get stressed, I swear a lot. Oops. So this exchange takes place.
I was on the phone with my best friend Beth and as I'm talking Lilly walks past me and knocks her shins right into the coffee table and proclaims "Ow, Dammit!" and walks on. I'm on the phone so it takes me a few seconds to process this. After my delay I ask her "What did you just say?" "I said 'ow, dammit' mommy" as if to say are you hard of hearing? I told her I'd slap her mouth next time she said it, but I had to say that with a straight face. It was funny. She says "yes, ma'am" and walks on. The ma'am thing isn't something I taught her, by the way. She started doing that all on her own. Probably because I tell her to say "yes, mommy" and because she's obstinate that's her way of rebelling.
Next, today was Lilly's birthday. Sort of. Tomorrow is her birthday but we're celebrating today. Anyway our friends got her little gifts. One of these was a strawberry shortcake lip gloss set. I knew this would be a mess, but I knew she'd love it. On our way home from the beach I let her have it. I was unaware of the nail polish contained in this set. I got the chance to yell from the front seat "Lilly! Don't eat the nail polish!" Seriously. Why should I have to say this out loud. Nail polish doesn't even smell yummy, it smells awful. She's four now. Why? I made her sister take them from her since I couldn't reach, but before that she "painted" her toes. And her hand. And her face.  Nice one Lilly.
I guess the bright side is she didn't paint the car. Definatly a bright side.

Nicoleisms on Easter

My six year old is really quite confused about Easter. I'm an atheist (though not in an uppity better-than-you way. More of a I'm-too-lazy-to-care-about-this way) and my husband calls himself Christian, but let's call it agnostic for accuracy's sake. Point being we've never properly explained Easter besides "hey, it's that time of year we color eggs and a bunny hides them."
So a little while ago I was at the sears optical waiting to get my glasses and Nicole picks up a Highlights magazine and wants to read it to me and there's a big article on Easter in there. It sounded something like this "For Christians Easter is one of the most important religious celebrations of the year. This holiday marks the day that Christians believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead??? It is knows as the Resurrection." Pause here for the oddest look from her, then continues:
"To celebrate Easter people will take part in the same celebrations. Eggs, for example, represent new life and the Resurrection..." where she then stops reading, as if giving up on this article ever making sense, and flips to something sensible. Ah, hidden picture. That's better.
Since then she has been asking questions here or there that I have a hard time answering. Maybe I should send her off to church, but I know churches don't really like it when it's just the kid and no parents. I know this having done it all throughout my childhood.
Anyway, today it gets better. She asked me "Why do we call it Easter when it's about this guy" "His name is Jesus, honey" "When it's about Jesus coming back from the dead? Shouldn't we just call it Jesus popping out from his grave day? And it's silly because if he was dead how did he come back? He couldn't have done that?? And why do we color eggs and have a bunny hide them?" Those are great points, Nicole. I have no idea. Not a clue. Instead I was laughing my ass off while she looked at me confusedly "what's so funny mommy?" She wants an answer Uh, nothing. You have a good point, sweetie. I have no idea. You'll have to ask someone who knows.
Poor Nicole is already confused about death. My grandpa passed a couple of years ago and just before that we went to the hospital to visit him. She was 4 at the time, but she remembers and insists we visited him at the post office which has given her a really odd obsession with post offices. I think the most confusing part for her is that we can't see him anymore. I try to explain, but she just says "we can just dig him up and see him" Uhhhh. Hmmm...No? How do I explain decay? That seems too traumatic. More to the point I sort of fibbed and told her he was buried instead of telling her he was actually cremated because trying to explain that would have been more difficult. "Well honey. See they put his body in a hot hot fire and burn it up until it's ashes" seemed an unnecessary detail to me. So this whole learning about Jesus coming up from the dead like some holy zombie is really just baffling for her and she's having a hard time understanding it and how that dammed bunny and his eggs fit in. I'm sure if daddy was here he could probably explain this in a totally non sacrilegious way, but I can't.

Mrs. Complainy Pants

I hate to complain. I do, really. Don't give me that look! But being a part time single mom of three is freaking exhausting. I don't know how my friends with jobs do this, but maybe it's easier with a job because someone else gets to watch the little energy vampires for awhile. Like yesterday, for example. I'm feeding the baby his morning cereal and I lick some off my hand. Aaaand that's a booger. Of course it is. There is something seriously wrong with my day when accidentally ingesting a booger not only doesn't surprise me, but doesn't gross me out as much as it should.
I think back to when it was just one kid and shake my head. I was an idiot to complain back then. Think chasing a 3 year old is exhausting? Now do it with a baby attached to your hip and simultaneously getting your 6 year old to stay on track with her homework. Think it's hard to get up with a baby during the night? Now do that a few times a night and get up at 6am for school. Oh, and you can't go to bed until midnight because you have shit to do when the kids go to bed at 8. Like eating dinner uninterrupted or showering or quietly doing the dishes when a baby isn't adamant about climbing in the dishwasher or emailing the hubby or paying bills. You get the idea.  Think going to the store is a challenge? Try it with three children on the cart while the 3 year old sees something shiny over there and the 6 year old inquires about the possibility of toys. "No you can't have this, you can't have that. You ask again I'll get you with a wiffle ball bat" I'll sing insanely as I walk through the store. Sometimes I forget people can hear me when I'm out in public.
So occasionally I'll lament at how easy I had it with one and sit on my pity pot, but then I remember how wonderful I have it. My six year old with her compassion and mother hen personality. She's always trying to make her sister and brother happy. My three year old with her wild imagination and big personality. I don't think I'll forget when she renamed her stuffed kitty, Wishy, to Fenga Fanga and when I asked what happened to Wishy her only reply was "Wishy got hurt" Uh-huh. Think I'll sleep with the doors locked if you don't mind sweetie.  And my baby. Oh, I am going to miss his sweet baby head when he gets bigger. As much as he keeps me up at night, I do love to snuggle his cute little butt.
I guess my point is I could whine and complain about how challenging and exhausting this is, but at the end of the day I couldn't be happier. Smelly, maybe, but happy.

Temporary Insanity: That's My Story and I'm Sticking To It

Before I dive right into this next bit I have to preface it. I have a good friend from our last duty station who now lives around our new duty station. We don't get to spend that much time together anymore because she lives *just* out of reach at about an hour away. At any rate, they are now moving away and she wanted to get together one last time and go get the kids out to have some fun for spring break.

Orlando.
Holy crap, what have I gotten myself into? Five days at the Nickelodeon Suites. My kids were amped, her kid was amped, my baby was off schedule and so was everyone else. Recipe for insanity complete. A hotel full of screaming hordes of children. It was nice to do something nice and fun for the kids. Every day every couple of hours right outside our room "Are you all ready for slime!" "YEAH!" and this little show would go on for fifteen minutes or so. Kids were mostly too excited to sleep through all that excitement. No nap + lots and lots of stimulation = mommy must not kill. mommy must remember this is for you. mommy loves you. must not have "Here's Johnny!" moment.
We did attempt to go to the outlet mall and do some shopping for us. This went just fine for about an hour. After that, are you ready for drop and flop time! Her five year old and my three year old were at each other's throats and my six year old with the momma hen complex was ready to write them both off, to be polite. I think I left that place with a twitch.
Next day, thunderstorm and tornado warnings all day! Vacation! Yay! But that did give us a day in the room of not hearing screaming hordes of children ready for slime and frolicking about in the pool. We had a poolside room. Six floors up, but still poolside. And loud.
Fun thing we did do is we did the character breakfast for the kids. Pricey, but worth it. Food was decent, but the kid's faces when they met Aang and Dora and Squidward and Spongebob and Patrick. You could tell that it meant a lot to them.
The kids loved the pool and my six year old's favorite part was the daily mass sliming. She was so happy. My three year old had lots of fun wandering into the zero depth entry water which is it's designed like a beach, so I could sit at the shallow end with the baby. They all loved it, which is what I keep reminding myself. The kids. They had so much fun. So much. Fun. Please ignore that twitch I get as I say that.
I have to thank my friend for inviting me along on her trip through temporary insanity no matter how twitchy it made me. Next time, not without the husband.

The Begining

I'm starting this blog at the encouragement of my best friend who said she wanted a book of all the things my kids say, because it's pretty funny. This is going to document my misadventures as a military mommy and my accidental conservationism. I did not mean to turn into a crunchy granola eating crazy recycling person, but here I am. I knew it was a slippery slope when I bought my Subaru. As my friend Amanda would say, only lesbians and hippies drive those.
First my garbage stopped fitting so easily in my garbage can, so I started utilizing our recycling bins. We lived in Washington at the time.
Then the birth of my second. She's a bit, uh, difficult. She had terrible diaper rashes and some moderate eczema so I could only use the huggies supreme on her. After realizing her diapers were costing us upwards of $60 a month I decided to revisit the cloth diaper issue. It turns out cloth diapers are not at all what they used to be. I started with bum genius and my love of cloth diapers blossomed from there. Sure, they're a bit of work, but not that much. They're cute and they hold up much better than disposables. It was then that I realized convenient doesn't always mean better. Then I started making my own wipes. Oh yeah, I'm sliding right down that slope.
Also I breastfed both my girls for the first year and I'm nine months into my third.
Once I became pregnant with my third I decided to visit the issue of natural menstrual products. Oh yeah, I went there. If this grosses you out you may not want to read any more of my blogs because I'm going to get a lot more detailed than this.
My intention wasn't to be 'green', but rather my cloth diapers hold up so nicely, perhaps the same is true for pads and cups. Also I'm becoming more and more convinced that my tampons were part of the cause for my reoccurring monthly discomfort issues, so I dived right in. I ordered myself a whole bunch, probably too many, lunapads.
Also, my three year old has food allergies. Dairy, eggs, and peanut. Nothing severe, thank goodness, just enough to make it a real pain when she does get it. This means we've also altered our diet a bit which means I eat some organic hippie food as well.
But I don't give a damn about trees and whales, so I think I'm still safe.
To recap, I have three kids; six, three, and nine months at the time of this post, in case I glossed over that.