Here's an uncomfortable situation:
I took Lilly to her theater class. I go inside to wait. Inside there is a man who looks insanely familiar. I avoid eye contact and frantically think of where I know him from. It's a uniform. Definitely know him better in uniform. Okay, so from the boat. His wife and kids aren't at all familiar. Hmmm...what the hell?!? I most of our boat people. Maybe he got off the boat. Dammit! Just squint and think. What did his name tag say?
Okay, he said hi. Hi!
Who the hell are you?!?
I get home and suddenly realize, he is my doctor. Oooooh! Oh. Umm..hmm...
I only see him when I am having a severe case of what I will politely call "firecrotch."
So now it's "Oooh, hello man I only see when my vagina is angrily spitting fire and acid while spewing rivers of blood. Yeah, I'm great today!"
I otherwise avoid the doctor if I can help it at all, but when my vagina gets that biblicaly angry, I get to a point where I'd be willing to perform sacrifices on small animals while a priest reads rites from a bible while dousing me with holy water. Now I get to see him more regularly. Whoo! Yeah. Think he remembers me? Oh, yeah he does. He said hi.
The husband is out to sea. I get a request from him for porn mags. As he says "Not necessarily for reading, but to show everyone my wife is super cool!"
Okay, I can be super cool. Whatever.
Where the hell do I get porno mags?!? I went on Amazon and they only have year subscriptions. Okay, not that. Went to Adam and Eve, many many dildos, movies, furniture?, and more! But no magazine.
Okay, I'm not going to a brick and mortar store, 3 year old in tow, to acquire one of these.
No matter how much I want to be "super cool wife" or ruin it by purchasing a bi-curious magazine and dropping a huge obvious fleshlight into that gallon size very clear ziploc baggie. Alas, I'll have to be cool some other day, I suppose.
I hate parties.
I don't know how to act.
I don't know what's inappropriate to say.
I don't know who to talk to.
I don't know where to sit.
I don't know when to sit.
I don't know where to look when I am talking to someone.
I AM SO AWKWARD!!!!
"Oh, hi! How're you doing?" do I look at your eyes? No, no, no, too much eye contact. Okay, how about your hairline? No, not there either. You look confused. Hmm..your nose? Nope, too close to the eyes. Maybe your shirt. No! Now you're looking at me like I'm a pervert. Noo, I wasn't checking your boobs out! Shit.
"Ohh, Hi! Oh, you want a hug" And now I've effectively headbutted you. Well.
"Sorry! I'm not much of a hugger. Or a toucher!" That wasn't rude, right? A little. Dammit.
I don't know what to do with my hands. Is there a water bottle or something I could hold? Yay, over there. Now I'm holding this and I don't have to decide if I'm going to cross my arms or let them dangle like an ape. Take lots of sips whenever you make accidental eye contact so you can break it real quick.
"Here, sit here."
"Thanks!" Great, I looked that uncomfortable. Okay I'll sit here. Remember! Try to keep your mouth shut lest your foot find it's way in again.
Oooh, food. Let's get some of that. That'll give you a good excuse to shut up. Okay, remember. Little bites. Little lady-like bites. Chew slowly. If you take small bites you can keep things from falling out of your mouth. Well, hello melted cheese. So much for keeping things from falling out of my mouth.
Have I said hi to everyone I know? Better look around and double check. Nope, there's one. Oops, inadvertent eye contact while your mouth was full. That had to look nice. Do I say hi now? I already made eye contact. Fuck it, they can say hi to me.
"There's a book up there for you to put 'motherly advice' in!" Uh, okay. You want me to be funny, right? Yeah, let's go with funny.
Was the story about shit painting walls too much for a baby shower? Crap! Probably, idiot. Why can't I write nice things?!? What's wrong with "cherish every moment"? Okay, you can recover this. "Hey, don't read my advice out loud" See? That'll work, right? And now there's people up there reading it. Kids even. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Okay, um, it was practical advice. Advice I wished I'd had. That's what I'll tell her later. Why did I have to write it in ink?!
So I kept my mouth shut, but was unable to stop my hand from writing something that put my foot in my mouth, anyway
Can't win them all, can I? Or any, really.
I'll bet I stink like stress sweat. Nope, still okay, but now I've been caught checking for pit stink.
You know what? I'm out of babysitter time anyway. I have to go. Just as well, I think I've about awkwarded this place up as much as I possibly can. Time to take that show back home!
Make sure you say bye to everyone. Okay I missed some people. Now I look rude. Shit, abandon ship! Abandon ship!
Okay, I made it to my car. Phew! Breathe deep. Alone at last!!
Even though I'm terrible at parties. Just awful, really. I keep going because I know it's good for me and I'll never get better at it if I don't keep trying. I really do appreciate the invitation, too. I just have no way to show it.
I apologize deeply to everyone who has to deal with me, though! Sorry!
On the plus side, it gives me great blog material.
I love that little spitfire even though she routinely tests my patience and never, ever, ever, does what she's told without some form of protest which is enough to make me cross eyed a lot of days.
I was tucking her in tonight and told her to have sweet dreams and she said:
"I don't have sweet dreams when I have bad days. I have nightmares."
"Why was today bad?"
"Well, I have bad days on days I've been bullied."
"Who bullied you?"
"You know that boy. I told you about him. Roberts (I'm guessing it's Robert, but she insists the 's' is in there)."
"How did he bully you?"
"Well, when I talk to him he just covers his ears and doesn't listen!"
"Lilly, that isn't polite, but that's not bullying. He just doesn't want to talk to you"
"Well he also tells his brother that I'm a bully!"
"Lilly, that's not bullying"
"He says I pick my nose and eat it!"
"Do you?"
Quietly "Yes. But I don't like to be made fun of!!!"
"Okay, Lilly, that isn't very nice of him, but you have got to stop doing that, especially at school. It's gross and you'll get made fun of."
Completely undeterred, "I wrote him a note that said 'You are good' and gave it to him and he just crumpled it up!"
Awww, now I feel bad for her!
"Sweetie, what did you do? Did you tell him that wasn't nice?"
"I told him he hurt my feelings! And he said he didn't care" and then she burst into tears.
Aww, I love that little spitfire. Even though I almost immediately tripped over her shoes she left in the hallway and then found the lunchbox she, once again, didn't empty out.
This is all the funnier because Nicole was just relating to me at dinner about an older girl who got in their face and yelled at them, and Lilly didn't recall that at all, but that little boy who dares to not be her friend? Well, we can't stand for that.
A Day in the life.
Aric the boy is potty trained, but he's only three, so he can't be trusted wiping his own butt.
I wipe red glitter.
This is one of two things,
1) He got into his sister's glitter lip gloss. Again.
2) He got into my glitter glue. Again.
I tell Nicole, "Hey, I wiped Aric's butt, I found red glitter. Whatever red glittery lip gloss you owned is no more"
"I don't have red glitter lip gloss"
Dammit.
