Party Animal

I hate parties.
I don't know how to act. 
I don't know what's inappropriate to say.
I don't know who to talk to. 
I don't know where to sit. 
I don't know when to sit. 
I don't know where to look when I am talking to someone. 
I AM SO AWKWARD!!!!
"Oh, hi! How're you doing?" do I look at your eyes? No, no, no, too much eye contact. Okay, how about your hairline? No, not there either. You look confused. Hmm..your nose? Nope, too close to the eyes. Maybe your shirt. No! Now you're looking at me like I'm a pervert. Noo, I wasn't checking your boobs out! Shit.
"Ohh, Hi! Oh, you want a hug" And now I've effectively headbutted you. Well.
"Sorry! I'm not much of a hugger. Or a toucher!" That wasn't rude, right? A little. Dammit.
I don't know what to do with my hands. Is there a water bottle or something I could hold? Yay, over there. Now I'm holding this and I don't have to decide if I'm going to cross my arms or let them dangle like an ape. Take lots of sips whenever you make accidental eye contact so you can break it real quick.
"Here, sit here." 
"Thanks!" Great, I looked that uncomfortable. Okay I'll sit here. Remember! Try to keep your mouth shut lest your foot find it's way in again.
Oooh, food. Let's get some of that. That'll give you a good excuse to shut up. Okay, remember. Little bites. Little lady-like bites. Chew slowly. If you take small bites you can keep things from falling out of your mouth. Well, hello melted cheese. So much for keeping things from falling out of my mouth.
Have I said hi to everyone I know? Better look around and double check. Nope, there's one. Oops, inadvertent eye contact while your mouth was full. That had to look nice. Do I say hi now? I already made eye contact. Fuck it, they can say hi to me.  
"There's a book up there for you to put 'motherly advice' in!" Uh, okay. You want me to be funny, right? Yeah, let's go with funny.
Was the story about shit painting walls too much for a baby shower? Crap! Probably, idiot. Why can't I write nice things?!? What's wrong with "cherish every moment"? Okay, you can recover this. "Hey, don't read my advice out loud" See? That'll work, right? And now there's people up there reading it. Kids even. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Okay, um, it was practical advice. Advice I wished I'd had. That's what I'll tell her later. Why did I have to write it in ink?! 
So I kept my mouth shut, but was unable to stop my hand from writing something that put my foot in my mouth, anyway 
Can't win them all, can I? Or any, really.
I'll bet I stink like stress sweat. Nope, still okay, but now I've been caught checking for pit stink.
You know what? I'm out of babysitter time anyway. I have to go. Just as well, I think I've about awkwarded this place up as much as I possibly can. Time to take that show back home!
Make sure you say bye to everyone. Okay I missed some people. Now I look rude. Shit, abandon ship! Abandon ship!
Okay, I made it to my car. Phew! Breathe deep. Alone at last!!
Even though I'm terrible at parties. Just awful, really. I keep going because I know it's good for me and I'll never get better at it if I don't keep trying. I really do appreciate the invitation, too. I just have no way to show it.
I apologize deeply to everyone who has to deal with me, though! Sorry!
On the plus side, it gives me great blog material.